Truth: I love musical theatre. Always have, ever since I was a little girl and I used to dance around the house with my mom's guitar case in one hand and a box suitcase in the other and sing "I Have Confidence" with Fraulein Maria in The Sound of Music. It's in my blood - I got it from my mom, who grew up doing theatre and also playing in pit orchestras and to this day is heavily involved in high school and community theatre productions in Bar Harbor. I studied dance and voice, acted in countless community theatre productions and eventually decided to make directing a focus in college.
For the past few years, I've really been bitching and moaning up a storm about the state Broadway's in. For those of us who love musical theatre AND possess the pesky traits of cynicism, elitism and a strong dose of snobbery, the offerings of the last ten years have been meager at best. It's a damn shame the way Disney bought up the place and maintains a stronghold over the entire thing. I've also had it up to here with the whole "let's take a moderately amusing film and turn it into a Broadway musical!" Thanks to that winning equation, we've been showered with an endless stream of crap that includes Shrek the Musical, Legally Blonde the Musical, The Wedding Singer the Musical, 9 to 5 the Musical, and I'm sorry but I have to also include Billy Elliot the Musical in that list of drivel. Oh, and I almost forgot - The Color Purple the Musical. Hey, Broadway! Is there ANY creativity left? Hmm? Remember when movies used to be adapted from the stage? What gives?
Everyone has their own preferences of course but I've been so crabby about Broadway that I have sort of been boycotting the recent shows. Lately, I'm trying to stock up on the cast recordings of the few that were worth a damn and at least give a listen/look to each new thing just to see what it is. Friends - this is worthy of a whole other blog, but Spring Awakening? That was some good shit. Can we get some more of that?
Now - bearing all that in mind - I have to remind myself, America does love mediocrity. So if the people want mindless, unimaginative bullshit on stage for $75/ticket, then that's what the people will get. But if you're gonna go corny, you should go all the way. For this reason, I couldn't be more amused by the idea of Rock of Ages. There's no pretense of any kind of interesting or enlightening story. A bunch of dudes got together one night, probably shitfaced, and said, "Dude...let's make a musical with 80s songs." How do I know that? My friend Andy and I had the same damn idea several years ago and drunkenly started mapping out 80s the Musical featuring such hits as Jesse's Girl and Don't Stop Believin' - we should have patented that shit! I'm cool with cheese. Just don't try to make me think it's high art.
Since 80s the Musical totally got stolen from under my very fingertips, I want to publicly share with you the awesome idea I had for a stage production. Since everyone seems to want to spend a week's salary seeing movie adaptations set to music - how about this idea? The Princess Bride the Musical.
Think about it - it's sheer genius! The possibilities are endless. It's heartwarming but funny, dramatic but corny. And just about every scene in the film is BEGGING to be turned into a musical number. Here's a rough sketch of just a few scenes - just remember, you heard it here first.
The Princess Bride
The Musical
Act I
The Princess Bride, By S. Morgenstern, Chapter One
Grandpa sets up the story for The Grandson.
Farm Boy
Buttercup, covered in filth and fleas, bosses Westley around like it's her job.
As You Wish
Westley, also covered in filth and fleas, sings of his secret longing for Buttercup, despite the fact that she is the dumbest chick in four counties.
Is This a Kissing Book?
The Grandson gets impatient with the romantic beginning to the tale.
Humperdinck
A full-company musical number introducing our wussy Prince.
Anybody Want a Peanut?
Fezzik and Inigo enjoy a rhyming banter as Vizzini prepares the ship and hauls Buttercup across the sea.
The Shreiking Eels
An orchestral interlude in which Buttercup nearly bites the big one.
The Cliffs of Insanity
Vizzini & Co drag Buttercup's prodigious ass up a very steep cliff.
Humperdinck's Tracking Song, Part 1
Humperdinck ruminates that "There was...a mighty duel!"
Humperdinck's Tracking Song, Part 2
"Someone has defeated a giant!"
Inconceivable
Vizzini narrowly avoids a nervous breakdown as he prepares a battle of wits with Westley.
Humperdinck's Tracking Song, Part 3
"Unless I am wrong...and I am never wrong...they are headed straight into the fire swamp!"
I Will Always Come For You
Buttercup and Westley are gloriously reunited, with much inuendo.
Act II
The Fire Swamp
Westley reassures Buttercup, who is moderately skeptical, that although he wouldn't want to build a summer home here, the trees are actually quite lovely.
The Six-Fingered Man
Westley IDs Count Rugen as Inigo's "six-fingered man."
I Will Always Come For You (reprise)
Buttercup remembers Westley's promise after Humperdinck promises to send his four fastest ships to find him.
Boo! (Rubbish! Filth! Slime!)
Obligatory dream sequence in which Buttercup imagines her coronation going horribly awry. A gnarly old woman spits and snarls at her for giving up Westley.
The Pit of Despair
The Albino introduces Westley to his ominous new home. A big ensemble number involving all the prisoners.
I'm Swamped
Humperdinck regretfully declines Count Rugen's invitation to Westley's first torture session. "I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it."
The Man in Black
A desperate Inigo uses his magical sword to locate Westley, his last hope for exacting his revenge against Count Rugen.
He's Only Mostly Dead
An old-school softshoe number that continually picks up the pace. Miracle Max explains Westley's predicament and he and his lunatic wife Valerie provide a pill to revive him.
The Dread Pirate Roberts
Inigo, Fezzik and Westley storm the castle and scare off the Prince's army, most of all the worthless Gatekeeper.
Mawage
The Impressive Clergymen weds Buttercup and Humperdinck...sorta.
Hello! You Keeled My Father! (Prepare to Die)
Inigo finally slays Count Rugen. Lots of dancing and impressive swordsmanship.
To the Pain!
Westley outlines Humperdinck's impending punishment.
I'll Always Come For You (Finale)
Westley and Buttercup ride off into the sunset, followed by Fezzik and Inigo, who have succumbed to their own mutual passion.
I'm telling you, kids. It's gonna be a hit. I predict at least 7 Tonys. At least. Casting ideas?